Motherhood: The Most Revered and Celebrated Social Role

It's no surprise: I pretty much hate Mother's Day. And not because it celebrates mothers, but because it celebrates a narrow view of womanhood. It's hard to tell, of course, but I probably wouldn't care about Mother's Day at all if we had plenty of other ways in which women in our culture were revered and celebrated. Then it would just be like, "Yay, Julie, you're an awesome lawyer and contribute a lot to your firm; happy Lawyer's Day! Oh and Magda, glad you identify as a mother and your family sure is happy that you are there for them; happy Mother's Day!" But this is not what we have to work with here.

Instead we have: send Michelle Obama a card and shocking polarizing Time covers for stories on this type of mothering vs. that type. Again, it's not that motherhood in and of itself is a bad thing; of course, it isn't. But it's just that motherhood is fetishized and sensationalized. It's just that it's the only loudly accepted and celebrated role for women. Something that could be a private family affair, something that's between adults and their children, something that could be celebrated in a quiet appreciative way–if you feel so inclined to celebrate your mother or your own motherhood–becomes a public ordeal of a social role unlike any other.

It's not fun to be the grinch on such a seemingly benign day. But it's hard to be celebratory when I simply can't agree with the underlying message of the holiday. I just wish we could publicly and enthusiastically celebrate all aspects of womanhood, whether it involves motherhood or not.

P.S. A friend sent me this. Who knew that Mother's Day was created to honor peace?

Teen Motherhood

Today is Mother's Day and so I wanted to make a mom-related confession: after long restless days on the front lines of a city-funded mental health clinic, I sometimes come home to watch "Teen Mom 2". This show follows four teenage mothers who had been featured previously on "16 and Pregnant", now getting a deeper perspective into the realities of teen motherhood. Both of these shows have sucked me in with their voyeuristic and sociological appeals. There is something masochistic and fascinating about following their usually heart-wrenching stories from afar. Watching these girls go through their trials and tribulations is an emotional roller-coaster, and it also raises for me a few thoughts and some concerns that I decided to bring up here:

* Birth Control: One of the biggest acclaims of these shows seems to be their discussion on the use of birth control among teens. And as a member of a privileged and educated class, I'll admit I agree with these discussions. Because many forms of birth control are now readily accessible to most teens and there are hardly any excuses for not using them! These shows do well in using peers to tell each other to use protection, because what teen wants to listen to their parents talk about sex (parents should still talk to their teens about sex!). These shows are often seen as cautionary tales to the population of MTV teen viewers.

On the other hand, it becomes clear that condoms are gone from the sexual lives of the youth, and the pill is in. Many stories revolve around girls who were on antibiotics while taking the pill rendering it ineffective or they forgot to take the dose on the day of sex, and none discuss why condoms were not used. This saddens me. I mean, women rightfully fought for the pill in order to take control of their sexualities and pregnancy, but this seems to have taken all responsibility off the guys in the long run. Boys are no longer taught to wrap their junk, and as soon as parents (mothers?) hear that their daughter is sexually active, they take her to Planned Parenthood (hopefully, anyway). Does anyone talk to either sons, and daughters also, about condoms, which should still be used as pregnancy and STD protection. But this is still an unfair and dangerous gender role.

* Women on TV: Quite obviously, these shows focus on the girls' journeys through pregnancy and parenthood. On one hand, these shows, as I said, are cautionary tales for girls as many of the show participants urge their peers to wait to have kids and instead focus on their educations and careers. However, I wonder what images about womanhood, motherhood, female development, sexuality, and adulthood these girls, and boys too, are learning from TV. When I think about shows like Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and Glee, I really question where the positive role models are?

* Fatherhood: This topic is a big one and maybe should wait for Father's Day to be discussed. But seriously, as with the role of men in birth control, where are all the fathers? Why aren't we having more discussions on the role of teen fatherhood, especially when everyone knows that the bailing father is a real societal problem. Why isn't there a "Teen Dad" show? This issue is, of course, more complicated, but it is nonetheless infuriating. Especially because no one says a word about it, and only going along with it as if it is a given.

* Infantilizing: I always get annoyed at the kiddish drawings (teddy bears, bright baby bottles) during the opening credits and in the middle of the show. These could pertain to the babies on the show, but I think the idea is also that the teen moms are still babies themselves. This may be true, but why are we treating them as infantile? They are mothers, and each has her own way in which she is growing into womanhood. The kid spiff is completely unnecessary.

* Reality and Stigma: In the end, the reality of teen motherhood as portrayed on the show is quite grueling. It becomes painfully clear that these girls just can't do this alone. The ones that make it, the ones who are able to graduate high school, have a job and make enough to afford an apartment and baby expenses, the ones that maybe even make it to college (I already mentioned that I come from an education bias), they are the ones who have an enormous amount of support around them. They need physical, emotional, and financial support. They need people willing to babysit, they need people willing to pay for things sometimes, they need people willing to listen and not judge. The stigma out there is still great, and these women and their children need our endorsement and respect. No one can make it alone.

Are We Valid?

Last week, Frank Warren published this anonymous email on his PostSecret website:

-----Email Message-----

My doctor recently told me I'll never be able to have kids. I corrected her and said, "You mean I'll never be able give birth". I am proud to say I will adopt one day and it won't make me any less of a mom.

This brought me to the following two thoughts: 1) What is motherhood? And, pending the first definition, what is womanhood in relation to motherhood?, and 2) How are doctors (you know, the people with the ultimate authority over our bodies) treating and relating to women (interestingly, in the email, the doctor is female)?

Alors...

1. For years I have considered adoption a much more plausible and ethical option for me and my family. More so than childbirth, that is. This may seem illogical to evolutionists, and maybe I am still a naive 20-something-year-old whose biological clock has not chimed in (this is true), but I just cannot find any reasonable justification for bringing more people into the world. As with everything, there is a political and spiritual debate over the issue of overpopulation, although I tend to side with the UN figures that state that we do not have the resources to care for all the people in this world. In any case, adoption also makes humanitarian sense to me. I'm not interested in telling various countries to stop having babies, but since there already are abandoned and orphaned children all over the place, I feel that I must do my part in providing some of them with a chance for a family. And I don't think this would make me any less of a mother.

Of course, there is always that need and curiosity (although, again, my biology has not yet turned on) for women to birthe and breastfeed, and those who adopt will likely go through a mourning process regarding those issues. [Although, how many women really give birth or breastfeed "naturally" these days? But that's a topic for another time.] My point is that motherhood is not limited to women's use of their breasts and vaginas, and women are not damaged in some fundamentally female way if they choose not to employ those anatomical features to acquire a child.

But sadly, this opinion still seems quite unpopular. Just look at the rise in fertility treatments.

2. On another note, I recently came across this article about the relationship of (presumably male) doctors and their female patients. It's true: sexism prevails in our health systems. When people ask me why I am in the field of psychology of women (is there really anything to study about women and psychology?), it's hard for me to explain the amount of discrimination that went on and still goes on in the theories, diagnosis, and treatment of women. So, like the woman in the email, be on the lookout for sexist language, and please, stand up for yourself. The more we speak up, the more the system will have to give way and start treating us as valid beings.

Mother's Day - Take 2: Another side of the coin

This mother's got a point, too:

Why I hate Mother's Day

There are several good points in this article, like the one about how celebrating Mother's Day only perpetuates the stereotype that women must be mothers to be appreciated and feel complete. But of course, there are plenty of readers and commenters who also feel offended by the bitterness of the author's tone, because, these are our mothers we're talking about, and how can we not acknowledge our dear mothers (ok, I work in mental health, I know how... but you get the point).

So how do you feel about Mother's Day? Is it an important step in feminism to include it as a national holiday, or is the whole thing a sexist Hallmark invention? Should we stop caring about the politics and just appreciate our mothers already, or is it simply silly to designate one stinkin' day for mother-love?

Mother's Day is not for the weak

"Mother and Child" by Gustav Klimt

Today is Mother's Day, which is also known as the day on which I wrestle with the meanings of motherhood and daughterhood. I guess these issues for me stem not so much from my actual experiences as the daughter of my mom, but from the values and expectations we assign to each. They are just so obvious, overbearing, and annoying on this day.

Today is filled with pink, softness, and sexism. Pink "feminine" cards, pastel flower arrangements, and (often men-written) ads for diamonds and kitchen appliances are everywhere. But is this really all that motherhood, and womanhood, amounts to now? Sparkly things that embellish women's appearances and cooking gadgets that profit all in the family? We are bombarded with and encouraged to perpetuate these images that only seem to show a narrow view of motherhood, a view that seems convenient for patriarchy. And so, I wonder, are pink flowers, shiny jewelry, and extra KitchenAids really what our mothers want to be recognized for in their accomplishments as mothers?

Now, I'm not a mother, but I know some, and I think these women would share that motherhood is about strength, courage and perseverance. Mothers are the warriors, fighting on the front lines for our children. Mothers are the life-giving force in the history of our generations. It even seems incongruous equating mothers with warriors or forces on a "soft" day like Mother's Day, and how ironic is that.

So let us appreciate the full meaning of motherhood: the strength, the patience, the nurture, the forgiveness, the protectiveness, and whatever else truly describes your mothers. Whether you do it with flowers, jewelry, a book, a bike or even simply a phone call or a hug.

And now I will leave you with a slightly creepy but still somewhat appropriate unknown image (meaning I simply yanked it from "Google Images") of Mother Earth: