Where in actuality I'm more like this:
I would say this is especially true in America and with my American family. Don't get me wrong, in Russia women are still completely expected to be "in the family", and I often get asked by various Russians whether or not I take good care of my husband (as if he is a helpless child incapable of pouring himself his own bowl of cereal). But it seems that in America especially, women tend to congregate in the kitchen with conversation revolving around recipes and culinary tricks, and sometimes interspersed with narrow joking comments about the escapist effects of alcohol... as if this is the only path to a more welcoming and all-encompassing reality?
At least this has been my experience. Maybe the women in my Russian family, my mom and both my grandmothers, are atypical of Russian women. They hold PhD degrees and have contributed to cutting-edge scientific and philosophical debates. When I am with them, they ask about my research and are genuinely interested in how I am committed to changing the world. Whereas during American family gatherings, I have noticed that conversations about household issues are directed at me and things relating to world events are directed at my husband. Sometimes I feel that people think it's "cute", albeit probably a waste of time, for me to be in graduate school. Sometimes I feel utterly inappropriate, in the most personal and social sense, for failing to be interested in the different ways to baste a turkey. Maybe something about the meaning, the expectations and purposes, of being a woman is lost in translation?
Of course, neither woman in those pictures above is more right or more womanly. But it's about the values we place on women's roles, expressions, activities, and the limitations women feel because of those set values.
2 comments:
I also came to the US from foreign lands and the leisured goals of suburban life alienate me, as well. I don't think it's a matter of translation. ;) Here's my brilliant assessment of the blindingly obvious stuff behind the scenes, IMHO.
It seems to me that American women are held responsible for their relationships far more than men are. Basting turkeys builds relationships more than intellectual exploration does. A woman disinterested in relationship-maintenance threatens the assumed dynamic in each family and drives all sorts of emotional discomfort about personal issues.
Similarly, men are expected to have bigger egos that require more attention and praise. Therefore, nervous family will fall back on the familiar position of asking your husband about his important thoughts and expecting you to care most that he is made happy.
Yes, I think I understand this view, where men are learned-intellectual-distant and women are chatty-gossipy-relational. But why do women have to relate in the kitchen over basting turkey and not in the library over a recent book they read. I don't know, I've bonded with many more people over intellectual conversation (like right now!) than over cleaning supplies. Yes, women have to (and do) care for everything and everyone around them, but it turns out, men can do that too! It's just so frustrating that we still have these narrow roles and definitions for the genders... and it's even more frustrating that I end up being so inappropriate by not subscribing to them! I may be banned from family events very soon.
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