Russian Blues

Меньше думай, больше чувствуй

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Oh man, Zemfira is perhaps my favorite female artist. She is definitely at the top of my list in terms of music, attitude, and soul-crushing. She defies Russian sexism and always seems to stick to her principles, despite mean-spirited pop culture comments about her lifestyle, sexuality, relationships, and identity.

Once, I found out that she performed in San Francisco, but I missed her concert and I'm still not over that. This year, she is going on tour in light of her recent album, but has not yet scheduled dates in St. Petersburg or Moscow. I am nearing that state of groupiedom wherein I search for bus tickets to her concerts in Tallin, Riga, Vilnius or Kiev.

She is a good artist to know. For me, she represents the Russia that I know exists, underneath all the layers of femininity propaganda and fights with the Western press and homophobic legislation. This Russia just wants some time and space to breathe and be herself.

Motherhood: The Most Revered and Celebrated Social Role

It's no surprise: I pretty much hate Mother's Day. And not because it celebrates mothers, but because it celebrates a narrow view of womanhood. It's hard to tell, of course, but I probably wouldn't care about Mother's Day at all if we had plenty of other ways in which women in our culture were revered and celebrated. Then it would just be like, "Yay, Julie, you're an awesome lawyer and contribute a lot to your firm; happy Lawyer's Day! Oh and Magda, glad you identify as a mother and your family sure is happy that you are there for them; happy Mother's Day!" But this is not what we have to work with here.

Instead we have: send Michelle Obama a card and shocking polarizing Time covers for stories on this type of mothering vs. that type. Again, it's not that motherhood in and of itself is a bad thing; of course, it isn't. But it's just that motherhood is fetishized and sensationalized. It's just that it's the only loudly accepted and celebrated role for women. Something that could be a private family affair, something that's between adults and their children, something that could be celebrated in a quiet appreciative way–if you feel so inclined to celebrate your mother or your own motherhood–becomes a public ordeal of a social role unlike any other.

It's not fun to be the grinch on such a seemingly benign day. But it's hard to be celebratory when I simply can't agree with the underlying message of the holiday. I just wish we could publicly and enthusiastically celebrate all aspects of womanhood, whether it involves motherhood or not.

P.S. A friend sent me this. Who knew that Mother's Day was created to honor peace?

On Being Tied Up, and Liking It

[Trigger warning for a depiction of rape and a discussion of bondage play.]

The other night I had the following funky dream. It consisted of two parts. Part 1 involved me in my own apartment (possibly my current one) but there was a man, an older established man, dressed in a business suit. I didn't see his face, but I knew that he was going to rape me. The act wasn't depicted in the dream, but I remember feeling terrified. He was lurking in the apartment in a predatory way and possibly undressing. I was dressed, I think, but I was in bed, feeling vulnerable. There was a distinct feeling of danger, panic, disempowerment, and fear. The possibility of him approaching me, forcing me to have sex with him when I didn't want to, was not sexy; it was assaultive.

Part 2, a distinctly separate scenario in the same dream, involved a short scene in which a man (no one in particular, actually; he was more of an amorphous though definitely male presence) was dominating me in a sexy play. I think I was tied to an indoor railing of some sort, and no sex was actually going on. Rather, he was near me and I felt completely submitted to his dominant character. I was fully entrusting and in fact letting go of any fear. There was not a slightest hint of danger in the air; all I felt was a pleasurable calmness and safe surrender.

Source

I know that at least light forms of bondage have long entered the sex talk in pop culture: fuzzy handcuffs, blindfolds, black leather. But as a feminist, I was reluctant to accept such gendered play–specifically when the man dominates and the woman submits–in my own sex life. There was something I liked about the trust and surrender of these scenarios, but it still felt completely counterintuitive. Wouldn't I be letting down my fellow sisters who continued to advocate for women's voices and "no means no" campaigns?

I think this dream was my instinctive answer, a communication about something I probably already knew. I was confabulating the two scenarios in my reasoning, but here I was able to feel, on a visceral level, their stark difference: the fear and helplessness on the one hand, and the assured succumbing on the other. Consent, trust, and communication are key elements of dream part 2, and there is nothing unfeminist about that. Conversely, there is nothing feminist about policing our own sexualities and being afraid to ask for the things we want. Through this I realized that actually, all things (pleasurable) are possible in a caring, responsive, and egalitarian partnership.

A List for All People

I am still thinking about all those lists (see previous post): things men and women need to master by a certain age. So I reflected on what I would like to be more proficient in, and what I think all people could benefit from knowing.

For now I only came up with 10 things that I would like to be able to do and that I think could apply to others as well, by no age in particular:

1. Ask your boss for a raise, at whatever job, if you think you deserve it
2. Gracefully call out discriminatory slurs (i.e., "that's so gay," "that's retarded," "you're such a girl")
3. Do simple math calculations (i.e., count change, figure out tip) fast and accurately without a calculator
4. Know a bit about child development, and know what to expect from children at different ages
5. Wash your clothes such that they don't all come out with blotchy stains of various colors
6. Feed yourself effectively (i.e., know how to grocery shop and make simple meals)
7. Be less reserved in group meetings and speak up
8. Know very well what pleases you sexually, expect it from partners, and be able to ask for it
9. Manage your time such that you can relax without feeling guilty or stressed out
10. Know about and use the (often free) resources in your community (i.e., public library, pool, parks, shuttles, local events)

What things do you think are useful skills for adults to have?

Oh Good, More Shoulds for Women

Have you already seen this article telling women what they should have and know by the time they're 30? It was originally published in Glamour in 1997, then reprinted by the HuffPo in April 2012. Because in the last 15 years things have not gotten any less heterosexist and materialistic (see my previous post on why we still need feminism today).

What made me mad, too, is that for about a second I actually bought into that original list. You know, as I began reading it, I thought, "Oh, I totally have one of those ex-boyfriends... and I have a bank account... and an awesome resume. I win at being almost-30!" Luckily, I quickly snapped out of it and realized that, holy shit, for that moment I again was forced to define myself through how many men I've had and how much money I'd spent on purses, high heels, and hair appointments (see my previous post on the comment that patriarchy has no gender). Then I sat down and wrote my own little list.

Also luckily, there have been some excellent feminist critiques on that original article, with women and men showing others that it is, in fact, ok to define ourselves through our characters, our strengths, and our connections with others.